Wee bit of a masochist gamer, are we? Ready for some punishment, eh?
Today's ultra mega difficult games are a far cry from the slow-yet-inevitable pace towards dysenteric doom (à la the original Oregon Trail - which you can now play for free online, by the way!). No, today's evilly impossible games are sadistically fraught with lightning bolt reflex challenges. Combine this with precision engineering for immediate addiction, and wave bye-bye to your sanity, attaboy.
Proudly presenting eight absolutely impossible Android games to make you feel like a complete imbecile. You will lose. Then you will lose again. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Your pixel man in Terry Cavanagh's Super Gravitron is condemned to careen wildly from top to bottom of the screen without pause, the gravitational pull swapping every half a second. Impale yourself on bloody spikes over here, meet hot death by flying triangle over there. You get a trophy for lasting more than five seconds. Put it on your mantlepiece and weep.
Another Terry Cavanagh masterpiece, Super Hexagon couldn't be simpler. Just rotate your vulnerable little triangle around the screen such that it doesn't get pulverized by the never ending crush of the big, friendly hexagons. Here's a free hint: don't blink.
Ztatiq is tilting gone twitch. After a few hours of obsessively attempting - and failing - to tilt away from the abstract obstacles flying fast and furious at your face, you're going to be blubbering the name of the app in your nightmare-wracked sleep. Zzzzztatiq......... zzzzzztatiq...........
Make sure your scalpel's sharpened, because you might as well just split your brain right down the middle in advance before downloading Twin Runners 2. Control two runners heading down completely different obstacle courses at breakneck speed at the exact same time. One tap moves 'em both, so good luck timing the split-second jump over a pit without slamming the other guy into a brick wall.
Ever wish QWOP were available on mobile? I bet you kick puppies, too. Daddy Long Legs is for you, sir. Get the spider to walk as far as you can across the screen on his crumbling spindle-limbs. And stay away from my schnauzer.
Rovio's RETRY emerged mermaid-like from the wake of FlappyGate. Your cheerful little plane can unfortunately only fly in loop-de-loops, making it terribly prone to crash into anything and everything. When your flight's gone down in flames for the umpteenth time in a row, just refer to the name of the app and smile, serenely. There's a lesson here. Please tell me when you find it.
That Geometry Dash is one of the great mobile game successes of our time is direct proof that, deep inside, we all just want it to hurt so good. Hair-trigger reflexes are what's on tap if you hope to safely guide your wayward square across the maps replete with instant ruin.
Man hath writhed his way up from the primordial muck and onto the shore just to find himself reduced to a gooball once more in 1001 Attempts. Bing bong this way and that to avoid the laser cutters, exploding spike balls, and general cruelty that this cold world throws in your face. Collect enough of the pixel gems and you get another color of gooball. Nothing can stop you now.
The bane of my existence as a kid was Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. I can't even believe how ridiculous my ineffectual little sword was against the onslaught. Give me more nightmare material in the Comments.