We all had childhood dreams that never came true. I wanted to be a International Super Spy, for instance. While that slick Bond lifestyle sensibly made way for tech writing, I've at least been able to make believe in a number of video games.
So why should I get the chance to live that dream vicariously through gaming, while those who wanted to be doctors can't?
You may be screaming at your screens trying to tell me Surgeon Simulator is the ultimate medical experience, but I bet you haven't had the opportunity to play Emergency Doctor Simulator 3D.
This is a game that confirms in its Google Play Store listing that is has "Smooth Doctor Controls" - and that's without even a hint of George-Clooney-in-ER's presence.
So you'd think it's automatically on its way to winning the fight for the best doctor game. Well, The Doctor Controls are in fact so smooth, you can lose sight of him just by having an in-game door closing on you:
There's something in the code here that's been seriously misdiagnosed.
After downloading it, I realized I was essentially playing Crazy Taxi but with a skin that makes it look like you're a doctor rushing to look after terrifying looking children.
But for all its creepiness, there's a buggy charm to the app. The fact is, Emergency Doctor Simulator 3D is deceptively addictive.
Although I originally downloaded this and started playing with a huge dose of skeptism, by the end of my 10 minute play session I was actually quite enjoying being the "Best Doctor" I could be.
The broken English instructions that plague the Play Store listing and start alarm bells going off actually have a lot of heart in the game.
Check the screengrab below. Just why is 'Waiting', 'Clinic' and 'Car' stylized like that? It doesn't exactly exude the feeling of a AAA mobile title like Monument Valley or the re-release of Crazy Taxi:
But there's something about its rugged, slapdash presentation that harks back to a more carefree time in gaming, when a mad idea (not an epic narrative) was all you needed to pull in the punters.
The description on the App Store sums up the potential fun nicely, “You are an awesome doctor with specializations in surgery and Dentist activities. Become a real doctor and crazy surgeon.”
Crazy surgeon? I truly hope this doesn't become part of any medical school's syllabus anytime soon, but as a bit of fun on your mobile this game actually surprised me.
Would I play this on the toilet? A perfect time killer for anyone looking to collect a stool sample.
Ad'o'meter? There are some ads that jump out and into your face with permission, but the worst part may be the box in the corner that just reads "FREE CASH". I've yet to press that box yet. Hopefully my phone will begin printing cash if I do.
Who in the world would play this? That person you know who always dreamed of being a doctor but gave up when they found out they fainted at the sight of blood.
Did my phone get hacked after installing it? Not yet... here's hoping it's not a front for the NHS-bothering WannaCry hack.
Should you download it? For a bit of a laugh, download it now.