Ladies and gentlemen, we have stumbled upon something one-of-a-kind -- a new sort of iPhone for a new sort of person.
Are you the type of person who enjoys human interaction but hates personal responsibility? Do you struggle with the true extent of your Internet addiction but understand the importance of being "reachable" in the 21st century?
Then boy do we have just the iPhone for you! Presenting, the iPhone 4U:
Sorry, does that look like just another iPhone 4? Let's zoom in and note some of its special features:
The iPhone 4U was created through years of meticulously dropping a normal iPhone 4 to the floor without ever truly breaking it beyond use. It required care and patience. But finally, it is here: an iPhone in which every single one of the exterior buttons doesn't work. In other words, an iPhone that cannot turn on unless another human tries to reach you (or during the moments immediately after you plug it into a wall).
The concept is a confusing one, so we will break it down for you: The iPhone 4U has all the software of an iPhone 4, but none of the buttons. Seriously, none of the buttons work on this iPhone. Practically speaking, what does this mean? It means that the only way to turn on an iPhone 4U is by plugging it in or receiving a notification, call or text. Without the help of others, it's basically just a small black box that cannot be opened. Cool, right?
An illustrative video. The limitations become less frustrating with time.
What does that mean for you? For one, it means never needing to feel guilty about not calling your mom, not emailing your co-workers or not texting your so-called friends. After all, it's not your fault. You can't! But should they need to reach you, well, they can go right ahead. They better just hope you see that text before the screen fades to black.
Completely isolating yourself from society is no longer en vogue, but what about partial isolation? For that, the iPhone 4U is perfect.
There are other benefits, too. The iPhone 4U instantly improves your quality of life. No longer can you mindlessly check Instagram or Facebook or Snapchat while waiting to die. In fact, you can't check them unless someone tries to connect you through one of those apps -- and even then, you can only look at that one app! No backwards button, no button to get you back to the main screen. Whoops, did you get distracted for 10 seconds? Your phone is back to black and you've effectively been locked out. Back to the real world.
By now you're no doubt intrigued by the iPhone 4U but probably wondering what a typical night with it looks like. Thanks for wondering. Let's take my Tuesday evening. At first, all I wanted in life was to know if something cool had happened on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat, but then I realized two things: (1) I could not check and (2) if something did happen related to me, I would find out. Powerless to the black box, I decided to obtain a book and head to a restaurant. There, I sat, my iPhone 4U carefully placed on my table so I could pounce should the outside world need me. For an entire blissful hour, it did not, and I had no connection to the Internet world to which I am so hopelessly addicted. It was borderline therapeutic, and therapy is expensive, so I basically saved money. I continued to read words on "paper" while eating and thinking. Eventually, my friend contacted me via text to let me know she was close. I swiped open my phone, wrote "Kk," then left my phone to fade back to its preferred state while I finished my chapter and awaited my human interaction.
It's not easy to obtain the iPhone 4U. It requires never giving in to talk of "updates," "growing up," "getting a life," or "being an adult for once in your goddamned life." But once you get one in your hands, the benefits are undeniable. All this can be yours for whatever an iPhone costs these days plus a few years of carefully bashing your phone.
Oh, and the battery life is good.
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